196 - In which I resurrect a poem and make an admission

How can I possibly express my feelings regarding Valentine's Day? How better than... poetry...? Let's collaborate... I'll give you the first stanza, you take the rest:

Cupid… dear Cupid you fat little shit
You're still wearing diapers... don't grownup clothes fit?

So yeah... I hate Valentine's Day. In fact, I call it VD, because I think of it just as fondly. VD is an ongoing reminder that no one loves me. Sometimes I'll get a pity rose, but it only makes me feel worse, because not only am I unloved, I am also pitiful...

I'm being a little overly dramatic, but strip away the drama and I'm telling the truth... I hate VD.

And this year... this year will be especially special for me -- I get to go to a wedding. Yipee. Me and my alone-ness surrounded by couples in love going goo-goo-gah-gah over each other because tonight is Valentine's and they want to get laid. Once the ceremony is over, I will be goaded onto the floor to catch the wedding bouquet -- even though technically since I've been married before, I'm not truly single, and I shouldn't have to. Hell, I shouldn't have to simply because I don't want to.

Maybe I can leave before the bride assaults me with flowers...

Not much to blog about tonight, so I am going to resurrect an oldie but goodie from my Myspace days:

I have pulmonary expansion/deflation syndrome, PEDS for short. I've had it for years. It's chronic and incurable, but I live with it and I don't really talk about it much because it doesn't disrupt my life unless I exercise vigorously or make out with someone... then it can become annoying because the expansion and contraction rate of my chest cavity increases, and if done too vigorously there is an accompanying burning sensation. Mostly I just deal with the fact that my lungs choose to expand and contract on their own and I have no control over it, but it can make you self conscious. My heart has a similar disorder, but it's possibly even more disturbing because you can hear it if you put your ear to my chest (and I advise you not to do that unless you want to get bonked, and bonked is not a euphemism). When my heartbeat is particularly strong my whole body can pulse, but it is especially apparent if you watch my belly button when I'm lying flat.

Apparently I'm not alone, this world is rife with weird syndromes and disorders, for your entertainment I present the following:

Capgras' syndrome is a rare disorder in which a person holds a delusional belief that an acquaintance, usually a close family member or spouse, has been replaced by an identical looking imposter.

In Bonnett Syndrome, people suffer from a particular type of eye disease, and then begin hallucinating otherworldly beings. These generally take the shape of ghosts and apparitions, as well as little costumed beings like elves or gnomes. (Wonder if this one is especially prevalent on Halloween?)

Alien Hand Syndrome, another condition arising from brain trauma, this bizarre syndrome involves losing control of one hand, which can do anything from gesticulating to unbuttoning clothes its owner is trying to put on with his or her other hand. (Seems like I saw a movie about this one)

Imagine suddenly putting on a convincing French accent. Or Scottish. Or Italian. It sounds like fun, but it's no joke for the victims of Foreign Accent Syndrome, which can set in after strokes or other brain trauma. (Crap, I have this one and so does one of my friends)

Jerusalem Syndrome - This one sounds like the title of a Robert Ludlum thriller, but it's actually a religious psychosis triggered by a visit to Jerusalem. Observed since medieval times, its victims may believe that they are prophets and parade around the city proclaiming the Holy Writ or exhorting sinners to repent. (Note to self - move Jerusalem to the bottom of my vacation list)

Penis Panic - Koro is one of a number of names for a hysterical condition known medically as Genital Retraction Syndrome, whose victims become convinced that their genitals are disappearing into their bodies. It can be contagious, sparking off "penis panics", such as the one that overtook Singapore in 1967 in which thousands of men became convinced that their penises were being stolen. (Okay guys, go ahead and run to the bathroom to make sure they're still there... and probably measure them... we'll wait...)

Jumping Frenchmen of Maine - Being extremely startled by an unexpected noise or sight, patients with the disorder flail their arms, cry out and repeat words. (I think I might be the cause of this because it happens to other people a lot when I'm around)


  1. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA! The VD poem is the best poem. ever. I just blogged today about why I think VD is a shitty "holiday". and Penis panic is hilarious!

  2. I love your little poem... classic!
    I had no idea you had a pulmonary disorder. Was it congenital???
    Great syndromes you found. I always wondered what it would be like to have a Tourettes/Narcolepsy combo...
    Ahhh yes the Great Penis Panic of 67'... what a tragedy...

  3. The heck? I went lazy and did an old Myspace entry! This must become the new trend blogosphere wide. Myspace Mondays!

    I've never heard of your disorder before I'm going to read up on it. Does it come with health risks or is it just an annoyance?

    Love the poem! lol

    (FYI, I think I was just molested by the word verification. It just asked me to enter in "Mantait")

  4. MHM - I saw your post, that one and Kato's reminded me to rant and rave about VD (I love the picture of dead cupid by the way)

    LM / TS - I have to fess up... I was just being silly. When I wrote the post I was thinking how ridiculous it was that everything is a disorder these days... PEDS is something I came up with to make my point... it's just a name I came up with for breathing... (don't hit me!)

    TS - Wow, the word verification got fresh with you! Maintait indeed...

  5. Haha. I loved the poem, it was awesome! ;)

    My husband has penis panic, sometimes. But, not the same version as you described here. It's the lack of attention it gets that causes the panic. hehe

  6. Penis panic can be brought on my immersion into cold water, it happened on a Seinfeld episode, if you have seen it. And George wonders if women know about 'shrinkage'. So do I, isn't it common knowledge??

  7. H&H - LOL, I think a lot of men have that kind of panic

    Joe - Ah yes... the mythical 'shrinkage'...

    Somebody finish my dang poem!

  8. Cupid… dear Cupid you fat little shit
    You're still wearing diapers... don't grownup clothes fit?

    Cupid...dear Cupid I'm telling you this...
    I'll send YOU and arrow and NO, I won't MISS!

  9. I had that first one when I was a kid. I didn't know there was a name for it.

    (I'll probably have to explain that last statement one day)

    I don't care for VD all that much either. If I am with someone he's usually a jerk (cuz I know how to pick 'em) and he doesn't do or want to do anything for the day or I am alone in which case I have to listen to all my friends tell me what their boyfriends/husbands did for them. Luckily I had a baby on Vday and now we spend the day celebrating her birthday so it is a lot of fun now, and not nearly as depressing as it used to be.

  10. I realized that shortly after I posted the comment. It was like a dull slap upside the head. Thus I had to come back and applaud you.

  11. That is the most hilarious poem. I am still laughing out loud about the 'fat little shit'! Thanks!

  12. ahhahahahha I love it even more now that I don't feel all bad for you!
    Happy Valentine's Day I gave you this


  13. The VD poem made me laugh extra hard. VD sucks.

  14. Jen - Birthdays are a much better reason to celebrate. You know it's funny... seems like a lot of people hate VD, so who the hell is actually celebrating???

    TS - *thank you* *thank you*

    RRGBW - I think MA's second stanza completes it nicely!

    LM - I'll be right over to take a look-see!

    Samantha - Agreed. Wholeheartedly.

  15. Hahahaha oh my god, I laughed so hard on the cupid poem!! You made my day ;)

    (Love Ms Anthropy's version too!)

    Hope the wedding won't be too bad..we are with you!!

  16. Great post! I,too, hate VD, but my wife always expects something. So I dutifully head out and buy something each year. How come I don't get anything? Hmmmm.

    Loved your disorders, too. I have too many to mention. ;)

  17. I love the poem and yes I am also a VD hater.

    Kate xx

  18. I am NOT single and I think Valentine's Day is stupid. And not in a "I am taken and don't need to care anymore" kind of way. I thought it was stupid when I was single, and I think it's stupid now.

    Also, I think you should wear a whole lot of black to that wedding. A whole lot of it. Did I mention that I hate weddings? :)