166 - Being Fececious

I'm not feeling very inspired today. I'm feeling mentally drained, and even though it's only 9 pm I think I'm ready for bed. But never fear... I won't leave you high and dry...

In fact...

I have a treat for you, of sorts ('treat' may be a slightly warped way of looking at it as you will soon see, but such is my nature). I was researching colon cleanse products (and here's where I start to lose people), because initially they sound as if they do great things for you and I'm in that sort of desperate mood where I want to fix things and am prone to falling for (pardon the pun) crap designed to prey on those tendencies, but luckily I'm always too chickenshit to actually do them because:

a) they cost money... enough money to make me stop and think... and given time to stop and think I will talk myself out of anything I'm unsure of almost 99% of the time... one marked exception: exercise dvd infomercials... those blasted insidious infomercials...

b) for as many great reviews as there seem to be from alleged clients, there are an equal number of 'this is a scam and I want my money back' rebuttals (ha, rebuttals...) and/or articles stating that they simply don't work, and the 'anal plaque' you see in the toilet is nothing more than the contents of the cleanse coming out your butt. So is that 20-ft rubbery mass really something that actually existed in your colon, or is it created by the colon cleanse itself to make you think something is happening that isn't actually happening but you wanted to happen and since you think something happened it acts psychologically like a placebo therefore seeming to work, but in effect... doing nothing. (did you follow that?) I mean, one of the ingredients is clay, and another is psyllium husks which, in time, turns into a gel... see my point?

c) it's hard to tell if these positive testimonials are from actual people or just a clever ploy by the manufacturer themselves... I often find that it's the latter,

d) if the cleanse did its job as advertised I imagine explaining to a plumber what that rubbery 20-ft mass of shit is doing in my clogged up toilet... and I just plain don't want to find myself in that situation... ever

e) perhaps to avoid that sort of face-to-face embarassment, some people catch said rubbery mass in a colander, or drape it over something, and snap a photo to submit to the Blessed Herbs website so they can instead be proud of their creations (warning -- disturbing pics, I am not kidding about this)...

So here's a question -- once they catch it in the colander... what do they do with it afterward? Toss it in a garbage can?... Gross. Although... it'd be a great way to get back at the garbage men for coming so early in the morning... pondering... pondering... nah. Also... what do they do with the colander afterward? You might want to be careful when eating dinner at your buddy's house if they invited you over to brag about that great colon cleanse they just did... that's all I'm sayin'.

Anyway, in my research I ran across this gem and ever since I read it, the top level URL has been providing me with much entertainment as I have been exploring the subcategories for a good half hour or so... but this particular entry made me laugh so hard that I cried.

It reinforces my belief that I am not meant to have babies. In fact, that story now ties with the episiotomy as the top two reasons I don't find childbirth at all palatable.

Hmph. I wasn't planning to blog. This was going to be a quickie with a link and a sentence or two, but damn if I didn't do it again...


  1. Well as I sit here eating my pizza, I realized that this was not the best of times for me to read this particular post of yours...While I have what is referred to as an iron gut the images jumping through my head as I tried to enjoy pizza were let's just say not pleasant...However after I finish I will indeed check out the links and see how great this product is...lol

  2. Love how you can turn an uninspired post into something. Blogging is an olympic sport, you'd win gold.

  3. Ok, I clicked on all the links you put up and no, YOU WERE NOT KIDDING! What the HELL were those stringy, twisty masses of brown? Oh my god!

    The pooball story told by the nurse had me laughing until I was almost crying as well. I bet that girl felt no pain giving birth after THAT.

    And third, I have done a natural, gentle cleanse. It does not make you starve yourself. All it asks is to cut out alcohol, treats, and fried foods. You can eat whatever else you want. All the while taking natural herbs and medicines for one month. That's how long you are on the cleanse for. Does it make you lose weight? Sure, 5 or ten pounds was what I found, and I have done it twice. Is it because you have cut out junk food for a month? Probably. But it does what it says it does, which is make you have normal, easy poos for an entire month. I like it as a first cleanse! And it's a lot cheaper. Check it out if you wish: http://www.renewlife.com/products/cleansesmart.aspx

    Anyway, there you have it! Good luck!

  4. Ha ha, what a nice thought to cram into my head right before beddy bye, thank you so much! I was laughing as well. And by the way, when I turned 50, I had to do that stuff for the recommended exam, and I can tell you it is just like peeing from your butt. But... (ha ha, that slipped out, no pun intended) there was no other extra-curricular material involved, and they had to have it CLEAN in there to look for polyps.

  5. Bendigo - Sorry! I tried to warn you! At least you weren't eating link sausage...

    Ian - You flatter me (as usual) =)

    Kato - Now that's a testimonial I believe. It doesn't sound like you have mutant poos... that rubbery stuff (this is going to sound like I'm trying to be funny, but I'm not...) scares the crap out of me!

    Joe - LOL, I've never had to do it but I'm sure my day is coming. I mean, can you go through life without having an enema? I just hope that when it happens I'm not as unlucky as that poor girl!

  6. Girl, that is just hard core. I work as a radiology technologist and we do something called a BE (Barium Enema) and that would make you cringe.

    Have had three babies and nothing like that ever happened to me, not even the episiotomy.

    Hang in, if your book's half as interesting as your blog, I know you'll do well!

  7. HA! Fececious.

    I am beginning to understand what the big bucket and garden hose outside of your office is all about.


  8. love it! a blog about poo...
    no cleansing for me... I have a high fiber whole grain diet bc I am old. I find it works just fine for me:)