166 - Being Fececious

I'm not feeling very inspired today. I'm feeling mentally drained, and even though it's only 9 pm I think I'm ready for bed. But never fear... I won't leave you high and dry...

In fact...

I have a treat for you, of sorts ('treat' may be a slightly warped way of looking at it as you will soon see, but such is my nature). I was researching colon cleanse products (and here's where I start to lose people), because initially they sound as if they do great things for you and I'm in that sort of desperate mood where I want to fix things and am prone to falling for (pardon the pun) crap designed to prey on those tendencies, but luckily I'm always too chickenshit to actually do them because:

a) they cost money... enough money to make me stop and think... and given time to stop and think I will talk myself out of anything I'm unsure of almost 99% of the time... one marked exception: exercise dvd infomercials... those blasted insidious infomercials...

b) for as many great reviews as there seem to be from alleged clients, there are an equal number of 'this is a scam and I want my money back' rebuttals (ha, rebuttals...) and/or articles stating that they simply don't work, and the 'anal plaque' you see in the toilet is nothing more than the contents of the cleanse coming out your butt. So is that 20-ft rubbery mass really something that actually existed in your colon, or is it created by the colon cleanse itself to make you think something is happening that isn't actually happening but you wanted to happen and since you think something happened it acts psychologically like a placebo therefore seeming to work, but in effect... doing nothing. (did you follow that?) I mean, one of the ingredients is clay, and another is psyllium husks which, in time, turns into a gel... see my point?


c) it's hard to tell if these positive testimonials are from actual people or just a clever ploy by the manufacturer themselves... I often find that it's the latter,

d) if the cleanse did its job as advertised I imagine explaining to a plumber what that rubbery 20-ft mass of shit is doing in my clogged up toilet... and I just plain don't want to find myself in that situation... ever

e) perhaps to avoid that sort of face-to-face embarassment, some people catch said rubbery mass in a colander, or drape it over something, and snap a photo to submit to the Blessed Herbs website so they can instead be proud of their creations (warning -- disturbing pics, I am not kidding about this)...

So here's a question -- once they catch it in the colander... what do they do with it afterward? Toss it in a garbage can?... Gross. Although... it'd be a great way to get back at the garbage men for coming so early in the morning... pondering... pondering... nah. Also... what do they do with the colander afterward? You might want to be careful when eating dinner at your buddy's house if they invited you over to brag about that great colon cleanse they just did... that's all I'm sayin'.

Anyway, in my research I ran across this gem and ever since I read it, the top level URL has been providing me with much entertainment as I have been exploring the subcategories for a good half hour or so... but this particular entry made me laugh so hard that I cried.

It reinforces my belief that I am not meant to have babies. In fact, that story now ties with the episiotomy as the top two reasons I don't find childbirth at all palatable.

Hmph. I wasn't planning to blog. This was going to be a quickie with a link and a sentence or two, but damn if I didn't do it again...