121 - Shudder

Had the most bizarre dream last night. I was both the girl at the table, and the guy sitting across from her. As the girl, I was going through some sort of animalistic transformation. At the start of the date (?) I was normal. Then I felt fangs growing in my mouth, and I realized that I was hungry; starving. I'd just gotten my first taste of blood, my own from accidentally piercing my lip with a fang, and it was making me edgy... eventually it made me eager. I realized that the guy sitting across from me was full of the blood I craved and it would be much more satisfying to drink than my own. I felt my control slipping and I didn't care, I relished the freedom of not having a moral code. I wanted to kill him, not because he deserved it, but because I could. I was powerful.

As the guy, I was watching this transformation take place. I was perplexed at first, didn't understand what this girl was projecting. Then I began to categorize the wild look in her eyes as hunger and I felt a sense of panic as I realized that it was directed at me. My sense of self-preservation warred with the idea that I was crazy to be scared that this wisp of a girl was going to eat me... it was such an irrational thought, but I couldn't shake the feeling that I was in imminent danger, especially as she began to crawl her way up the table, looking ready to lunge at any second.

Then I was living in a trailer, and even though I was supposed to be alone, I knew that I wasn't technically alone. There was the constant sound of children's footsteps running through the house, and the feeling of a malevolent male presence. I don't think he was a ghost, I think he was supposed to be a real threat, perhaps having killed the children whose footsteps haunted the place. I was always looking over my shoulder, but too stubborn to leave, too proud to admit that I was terrified.

What the hell? It was another one of those nights when I woke up, panicked, frozen, afraid to open my eyes. I don't like those nights.

I'm watching House Hunters International. It's amusing. Everything is so matter of fact. "I like the bedrooms, what do you think about it?"... "Yes, it's a very good bedroom."... "The view is spectacular, how do you think about it?"... "Very nice, the view." I shouldn't laugh, most of these people speak at least two languages, but I can't help myself. I chuckle at the strangest things... why not this? And after my dreams I need a laugh!

I have decided that I am going to keep Trixie. I love her too much, and it makes more sense to pay her off in two years than to save a little extra money in the meantime but end up owing three more years on a new car loan. I think when I get the oil changed, I'm going to ask them to spray some of that new car smell on the upholstery though! I'm trying to be more responsible, including making sacrifices when necessary, but I think it was the wrong road to travel. So I'm curbing my impulse and staying the course.

Wow. 24 people are interested in the cruise at the moment. I figure when it comes commitment time, some of them will drop out, but I feel pretty confident that most of the group will go. A lot of us went to a friend's wedding in St. Louis, and they travel fairly often, so I think it's going to be an awesome cruise. Far, far away. But awesome.