Somehow I got this idea in my head that everything in my life has to be sorted out before I can pursue the things I want in life. "If I lose 10 lbs...", "If I pay off that debt," "If I save this money," "If I move to a house with more land", "If I figure out where I want to be in life"... I realized that I'm feathering a nest for a future life. I realized that I don't think I can have this life until everything is perfect. I realized I'm not currently living the life I want.
I realized that's bullshit. The longer that kind of thinking continues, the further I'll be from that life. It's a vicious cycle.
I've spent years overanalyzing things... situations... people... I've wasted a lot of time. I've passed up opportunities I may never get again. I've missed some opportunities altogether, because I was too afraid to try or didn't trust my instincts.
Truth be told, I don't think I'm half as cool as other people think I am. Truth be told, I don't see what anyone else would see in me. Truth be told, I am not nearly as confident on the inside as I seem to be on the outside. Truth be told, my life is pretty boring and I feel like a fraud because I can boil 24 hours down to a 5 minute highlight, and most people think I'm interesting. I don't talk about heavy topics, I keep it light. I'm not as deep as people think I am. Not by half. I just know how to nod at the right time or ask the right question. I am semi-impressive because I know a whole lot of insignificant trivia... just enough to skate by, but not enough to be an expert.
I'm so afraid to fail. I'm also afraid not to try. I feel like I'm so close to something, and so far away.
I'm turning 37 in a couple of weeks. I'm ready to settle down. I don't even know where to begin. Well... I do, but that has to work itself out. I suck at relationships though. I don't know what people do all day, what they talk about, how they share a space, how much time do you spend together, how much time do you spend apart... none of it. I think about that stuff too much, maybe because I'm an only child and I've lived on my own for so long... I don't know how to fit other people into my life. I don't know how I did it when I was married, I don't know how I did it the one time I had a roommate. I just... argh!
In short, I'm freaking out. But this time I don't want to run away from it. I want to run towards it. I want to take the risk, because I know I can't lose. But it's out of my hands. I'm trying to stay positive, I'm trying to have faith... it's a battle... optimism is new to me. And I hate feeling neurotic... I'm normally a very even-keeled person, but uncertainty makes me anxious.
I know, I'm talking nonsense again. I'm getting it out of my system. Thank for allowing me that.
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1 year ago
Hang in there, Krisy! Everyone feels that way periodically. Trust me. It'll pass. It always does. :)
ReplyDeleteI'm here, I hear you, I'm listening and I UNDERSTAND!!!
ReplyDeleteTerry - Hanging... and you're right... it will. It's temporary, and then I'll be sane again!
ReplyDeleteMs. A - Friday good for you?
Could be! I'll check with you later this evening.
ReplyDeleteThat was a really good post..really really good. I know that I'm 20, but I feel exactly like you wrote about relationships. I'm an only child and I'm so used to being alone at home and doing stuff alone and organnizing my time alone since I'm 12 years-old that I don't know HOW to integrate someone else..and to tell the truth, it kinda freaks me out! I keep wondering how people can stay together for so long and have something to say or discuss with each other every day for so long..am I getting all weird?!:P From what I can judge, if you say you're life isn't all that interesting, your writing certainly is, because you fooled me lol..You seem like a great person and I don't think you could fake that on your blog for so long, because it shows..hang in there and follow those dreams of yours..write that novel!:)
ReplyDeleteYou just have to start at the beginning and learn all over again.... Meet people, go on dates.... Probably some horrible dates, and some good ones (hey, at least you'll get a free meal and some drinks, right?) You're awesome Kristy, and you'll find the date, or roommate, or friend or significant other who would love to sit and have 'Breakin' Marathons' with you!
ReplyDeleteAs an older dude, I would say you are right on track to being what you want to be.
ReplyDeleteHmmm..when I was 37 I was working a low-paying job as a shipper\receiver in a clothing factory...and had I not been married, I would have been living in a two-bit dumpy flat somewhere.
Look at you...you have a job with a great company, you own your own house, you are self-sufficient, are about to be a published author, and have loads of raving fans who read your blog, and I'm sure all the single guys fantasize about how wonderful life would be with you!
I can promise you things will get better.
To sum it all up it looks like you already have it figured out, run towards it rather than running away, turning thirty seven is making you look back and say what if but look at my life for an example, at thirty six I thought my life was over but at thirty seven is when I married a friend that we said to each other I will never get married again.
ReplyDeleteI turned fifty yesterday and I am still married to her and this was the best decision of my life and had I ran away I would probably be sad and alone now, running towards it has me still living life now.
Am I rambling and have I gotten off the point of your post---probably but hang in there because you will be just fine and when you think you are not going to be just think "If Jimmy Can Make It then It's Cake"
I really love your blog and all of your inspiring messages. Life is sometimes about doing, not thinking, and I also really need to learn that!
ReplyDeleteI think you're awesome and that's why I'm giving you the "Versatile Blogger" award :D
Just take a deep breath or ten.
ReplyDeleteIt will all come together in time.
Breathe.