278 - I know what you're thinking...

I know what you're thinking. Because I thought the exact same thing.

What a fine specimen, except for that weird wart-like nodule.

But otherwise... what a perfect, stubby, flesh-colored... fire hydrant chew toy.

Named Zoink!

Which rhymes with boink.

You may also be thinking, 'Kristy... what the fuck are you doing at home on a Saturday night?'

Well, the answer to that is... I slept through the bbq I had intended to go to. I was in pain. I took medication. I slept. The party went on without me.


They had 20 lbs of butt, and I missed out. Paige's butt is tasty, so I'm bummed. Though in all honesty... eating meat can be kind of painful. Did I forget to mention? I got my braces on Tuesday afternoon?

Hey -- I got my braces on Tuesday afternoon.

Boy do my teeth look crooked. And my lips are dry.

Feels like I have plastic vampire teeth in my mouth. And sibilant esses. Lots of semi-sibilant esses. For the first time in a long time, I have shit the sheets (I slit the sheet, the sheet I slit, and on the slitted sheet I sit).

My orthodontist, I have come to realize, is a sadist. He doesn't have any regard for the word 'ow' or any muffled variant thereof. He actually came at me with a drimmel this time. He shaved a thin layer of enamel off one of my teeth. In what alternate universe does that sound like a good idea? I asked if it was going to hurt and he said, "it shouldn't."

Shouldn't? Seriously? That's not a 'no'!

Then he followed that up with a raspy piece of dental floss, which wouldn't have been painful except that he was pushing my lower lip into my canines as he 'flossed'. I almost grabbed him by the balls to get him to stop since 'ow' didn't seem to work, but I restrained myself.

This time.

So I'm adjusting to the braces. They're not so bad, but they are sometimes painful, like tonight. One of my teeth has already moved around. Twice. I say twice because after two days, it began to bump against one of my top teeth. Today it didn't. I like today better than yesterday.

Primarily, the focus of this tray seems to be on my front teeth. Especially the top one that is crossed under, and the two bottom ones next to the canines. I don't feel it much in my molars and wisdom teeth except when I eat.

As I suspected, anytime I take the braces off means that my teeth, formerly having pressure applied to them, are now free balling without any kind of support. Trying to bite into that piece of pizza the other night was a really bad idea. I see fewer hamburgers, sandwiches and pizzas in my future. In fact, to further add to the sadistic nature of these braces, I may end up eating healthier food just for comfort's sake: yogurt and fruit for breakfast instead of White Cheddar Cheezits... drinking water instead of soda (unless my braces are out, otherwise it will collect in there and rot my damn teeth)... smoothies and/or soups... apple sauce... cottage cheese...

Sigh. My apologies Dr. Susie, but I don't like visitng practioners of the dental arts. They're big meanies!

And eating is also a pain in the ass because I have to take my braces off to eat. Then I brush my teeth and put them back on, which is when they usually hurt most. But I can honestly say that I am taking better care of my teeth now than I ever have before. I brush them after every meal as I should have been doing all along. And I brush my braces, too.

Oh, and I can't bite my fingernails anymore.

That's bugging the crap out of me.

Hey -- be a pal and bite my fingernails for me, will you?

Also, Monday I am getting my thyroid checked. I'm tired of not being able to lose weight, I'm tired of being tired, I'm tired of not being able to remember things. My temperature is 97.9, my heart rate is 52 bpm, my nails are brittle, thyroid conditions run in my family, and even my knee pain could be related to a thyroid condition. Plus I'm almost 37, so I'm approaching that age... If the damn tests don't show anything, I'm going to ask to see an endocrinologist.

So there. You're caught up now.


  1. I always threatened my dentist with pulling the hair on his legs. He believed me, too. All I had to do was move my arm. I was serious as a heart attack about it. You hurt me, I hurt you. Made him think twice about being careful.

  2. That sure sounds like a thyroid problem. I was just discussing thyroidal issues with someone earlier today.
    Eesh... I hate dentists. Sounds like a miserable time.

  3. All orthodontists are sadistic meanies! Damn them all. I had about 5 years of braces, Kristy. I know it's a pain. I HATED not being able to eat popcorn too. I think it's very cool that you can take yours off, though. I didn't know that was possible.
    Hang in!

  4. I have a thyroid problem. I am on the lowest dose medicine possible, but did have a few results though my weight hasn't really melted off like I hoped. Good luck on that.

    Oh, I also must say that between the flesh colored fire hydrant, the 20 lbs of Butt and the sadist dentist, it was almost blushed reading this post. =)

  5. Dentists suck and there's no getting around it. Sorry you're having to go through this, although I suspect it will be worth it in the long run.

    And for that flesh-colored fire hydrant -- uh, I feel sorry for anyone who thinks THAT squat little thing accurately describes their own, uh, fire hydrant.

  6. I feel for you with the braces thing. Hate to hear about your teeth MOVING...it didn't think that was possible. I mean, I know they will shift over time, but a visible movement is surprising.

  7. Hey Kristy,

    Eating the healthy stuff wont kill you, not right away anyhow Ha Ha

    Seriously hope everything checks out on Monday and if it don't see an Endo because getting on this stuff sooner works out a whole lot better than later.

    Dr. Susie probably wouldn't want you chewing on your nails either :)

  8. Ms. A - See? That's why I like you. You're brilliant. Pulling his hair would be taking it down a notch... I can try that route first...

    TS - Does, doesn't it? But it never seems to show up on the radar... fingers crossed that it does this time.

    Robyn - FIVE YEARS? Holy crap! I thought two was a long time... now I feel like a big weenie!

    Jerry - LOL, it was pretty racy wasn't it? I definitely want the weight to melt off like my mom's did, but I'd also be happy with feeling better. I guess. =)

    Terry - Well... I don't want to give anyone a complex. Dentists aren't evil people or anything...

    Joe - I can't actually see it, but I can feel that it's moved... it's bizarre. Luckily I don't feel it happening, just some pressure and an occassional ache. Saturday it was more than usual, but it comes and goes.

    Jimmy - LOL, okay, I'll try the healthy stuff... You're probably right, and the inability to nosh on them one of the reasons I chose this type of braces, but damn if it isn't like being in purgatory... I never realized how great a portion of my day was spent with my fingers in my mouth before.

  9. Plastic Vampire teeth LMAO!!!!!!!

  10. Congrats(?) on the braces!

    My wife got her thyroid tested and found out she was hypo thyroid.... She's on medication now and has more energy and generally feels better....