207B - Wasn't gonna post twice today but...

Fucking hell. My prayer list just keeps getting longer. None of it affects me directly, but these things keep happening to the people I care about...

Tuesday. 1:45 AM. I get a text message from my cousin Beth. Her youngest has been having seizures and is on her way to the ER. 3:30 AM I get a second text, she's had another seizure, but she's at the hospital so the doctors are administering anti-convulsion meds.

Thursday. After watching the aftermath of Crazy Man vs. IRS on the news, I learn that a guy I work with was in an automobile accident on Wednesday night -- on his way to church. His wife is dead, he's in the ICU. The guy who hit them was on his way home from the plant, he fell asleep at the wheel. This guy always made me smile, he was always upbeat, always laughing. We played this silly game with the weather. He'd look at me and I'd wiggle my fingers and bring them down if it was raining out. I'd wiggle them and bring them up if it was humid. We'd do all manner of silly hand gestures to pantomine our version of the weather. It was our inside joke. Everyone else just gave us cautious looks and backed away. He'd smile, pat me on the back and go get his coffee.

Tonight. Same cousin texts me. Her father is in the ICU. He has been on oxygen for a couple of years now because of emphysema, apparently he's taken a turn for the worse. My aunt is pretty much homebound because she has to do almost everything for him, he can't go anywhere, all he can do is sit in his recliner and breathe. It's a sad life. Admittedly, he smoked like a chimney, but some people have done worse and didn't suffer the same repercussions. If you smoke, please let him be an example of where you could end up... for your sake and your families, consider cutting back.

All I can say is that when it rains, it fucking pours.

After I forwarded the newspaper article about Jose to him, Greg asked me if I thought God had a plan... if these things are pre-ordained.

Allow me to give you my version of God.

I think God is a scientist, and we exist in a large, very complex terrarium. Sometimes he stirs the pot, sometimes he helps out, mostly he sits and watches but doesn't interfere. I'm sure that, like everyone, he has his favorites... I know that this seems diametrically opposed to my belief in angels and demons, and the fact that I still pray... but, it helps me get through times like these without getting pissed off at him. When I was younger I was pissed off at him for a mighty long time. I wouldn't listen to any conversation that involved religion, I wouldn't watch any television shows that broached the subject. Eventually I began watching Touched by an Angel and somehow made my peace with God. We're on good terms. I decided that if I was going to blame him for the bad, I also had to give him credit for the good... until that point, the balance had been off... now he's neutral, but I like him.

The reason I think of him as a scientist is that I can't believe -- won't believe -- that a God who actively participates in our lives would let these things happen to people like my friend Jose, or to my family. I can't believe that he would have let my 2-year old cousin be strangled by her carseat when her parent's had an automobile accident (not unlike the accident Jose was in). That was the same year my great-aunt died from ovarian cancer that came on sudden and strong, and the year my grandpa passed on from lung cancer (he hadn't smoked in 20 years but he worked for the railroad so I guess that played its part).

I also can't believe that he would allow my Uncle Kenneth (grandpa to the 2-year old) to suffer an agonizing death that lasted for months until he ultimately starved to death because he couldn't keep anything down. My Uncle Kenneth was the closest thing to a saint I've known, this is a man who was devoted to his family, called me ma'am, worked 2-3 jobs his whole life -- even up until the end -- and he still made time to go to church, and participate in a prison ministry. He looked like Harrison Ford, he was tall and solidly built, if he wasn't related to me I might have had a crush on him; and because he worked so hard he was always hungry. It's a cruel irony that he starved to death, because he had the biggest appetite of anyone I've ever known... it was because he worked hard and took pride in his work. I think when I told him about my experience as a test dummy, he was the most excited out of anyone, in fact, it was the most excited I'd ever seen him. He loved the idea of NASA.

That's why my God is a scientist. Impartial. Uninvolved. Because my God isn't cruel. He would never cause these things to happen, nor would he allow his people to go down like that.

I try not to coorelate events like these to religion. Instead I take them for what they are, tragedies that no one understands. It's futile to try to make sense of it, because it's senseless. There's no lesson here because it's random.

Anyway... now that I'm running out of steam, if you have a spare moment, and you're inclined to pray, consider adding my cousin, my uncle and my friend Jose to your list. They could use the extra help.