196 - In which I resurrect a poem and make an admission

How can I possibly express my feelings regarding Valentine's Day? How better than... poetry...? Let's collaborate... I'll give you the first stanza, you take the rest:

Cupid… dear Cupid you fat little shit

You're still wearing diapers... don't grownup clothes fit?

So yeah... I hate Valentine's Day. In fact, I call it VD, because I think of it just as fondly. VD is an ongoing reminder that no one loves me. Sometimes I'll get a pity rose, but it only makes me feel worse, because not only am I unloved, I am also pitiful...

I'm being a little overly dramatic, but strip away the drama and I'm telling the truth... I hate VD.

And this year... this year will be especially special for me -- I get to go to a wedding. Yipee. Me and my alone-ness surrounded by couples in love going goo-goo-gah-gah over each other because tonight is Valentine's and they want to get laid. Once the ceremony is over, I will be goaded onto the floor to catch the wedding bouquet -- even though technically since I've been married before, I'm not truly single, and I shouldn't have to. Hell, I shouldn't have to simply because I don't want to.

Maybe I can leave before the bride assaults me with flowers...

Not much to blog about tonight, so I am going to resurrect an oldie but goodie from my Myspace days:


I have pulmonary expansion/deflation syndrome, PEDS for short. I've had it for years. It's chronic and incurable, but I live with it and I don't really talk about it much because it doesn't disrupt my life unless I exercise vigorously or make out with someone... then it can become annoying because the expansion and contraction rate of my chest cavity increases, and if done too vigorously there is an accompanying burning sensation. Mostly I just deal with the fact that my lungs choose to expand and contract on their own and I have no control over it, but it can make you self conscious. My heart has a similar disorder, but it's possibly even more disturbing because you can hear it if you put your ear to my chest (and I advise you not to do that unless you want to get bonked, and bonked is not a euphemism). When my heartbeat is particularly strong my whole body can pulse, but it is especially apparent if you watch my belly button when I'm lying flat.

Apparently I'm not alone, this world is rife with weird syndromes and disorders, for your entertainment I present the following:

Capgras' syndrome is a rare disorder in which a person holds a delusional belief that an acquaintance, usually a close family member or spouse, has been replaced by an identical looking imposter.

In Bonnett Syndrome, people suffer from a particular type of eye disease, and then begin hallucinating otherworldly beings. These generally take the shape of ghosts and apparitions, as well as little costumed beings like elves or gnomes. (Wonder if this one is especially prevalent on Halloween?)

Alien Hand Syndrome, another condition arising from brain trauma, this bizarre syndrome involves losing control of one hand, which can do anything from gesticulating to unbuttoning clothes its owner is trying to put on with his or her other hand. (Seems like I saw a movie about this one)

Imagine suddenly putting on a convincing French accent. Or Scottish. Or Italian. It sounds like fun, but it's no joke for the victims of Foreign Accent Syndrome, which can set in after strokes or other brain trauma. (Crap, I have this one and so does one of my friends)

Jerusalem Syndrome - This one sounds like the title of a Robert Ludlum thriller, but it's actually a religious psychosis triggered by a visit to Jerusalem. Observed since medieval times, its victims may believe that they are prophets and parade around the city proclaiming the Holy Writ or exhorting sinners to repent. (Note to self - move Jerusalem to the bottom of my vacation list)

Penis Panic - Koro is one of a number of names for a hysterical condition known medically as Genital Retraction Syndrome, whose victims become convinced that their genitals are disappearing into their bodies. It can be contagious, sparking off "penis panics", such as the one that overtook Singapore in 1967 in which thousands of men became convinced that their penises were being stolen. (Okay guys, go ahead and run to the bathroom to make sure they're still there... and probably measure them... we'll wait...)

Jumping Frenchmen of Maine - Being extremely startled by an unexpected noise or sight, patients with the disorder flail their arms, cry out and repeat words. (I think I might be the cause of this because it happens to other people a lot when I'm around)