171B - Torture Chamber

My computer is home and fully functional (both drives!) as some of you may have already guessed by the profusion of comments I've already left on your blogs... Whee! So happy! *twirling in delerium* Decided to hold off on the software upgrades until after the tax return comes and I have the money to spare... but mostly I wanted my computer back... I missed it so. I need to give it a name. Computer is so sterile. Maybe I'll name it Hal... kidding.

Got my 30-Day Shred dvd in the mail today... I was gung ho... pumped... ready to go... I ripped that sucker open and roared (or maybe I just whimpered a little... Jillian didn't look too happy, she looked downright serious and I know that look -- I watch The Biggest Loser... I know what she's capable of). One of my friends has been doing this dvd for about 15 days and I can really see the results, so I was eager to get going. So excited that I sat down and read my Martha Stewart magazine and ate dinner... Well, I was hungry... as it turns out, eating was probably a good idea. I found myself with a couple of hours on my hands while my food settled, so I read through some blogs. Yea blogs!

When I did start the dvd, Jillian was surprisingly kind. Well... let me clarify that... her demeanor was kind. Her exercises were a cruel, but effective, form of torture. When did I become so frickin' weak??? We started out (Jillian and her two cohorts and I) with a pleasant warmup. Piece of cake. Chocolate cake. Delicious ca... 'scuse me, lost my train of thought there for a second. Then we hit the floor for some pushups. I was going to attempt real pushups because I was serious -- serious ya'll -- but my spaghetti arms are weak and after one mere half pushup, I succumbed to girly pushups. Made me wonder what's so girly about them? They hurt!

Girly pushups or not, I thought I was going to lose control and fall flat on my face because it wasn't just 5 or 10, it was more like 20-25... I would have counted, but all of my energy was going into not falling face-first into the floor.

So I survived that. Then came the plies (is that how you spell it? Plee-Ayes?) and pushing your arms straight up as you straighten your legs. Those about killed me. My legs were okay, my arms were screaming at me to stop. I ignored them. Next came cardio, 30 seconds of jumping jacks, 30 seconds of pretending to jump rope, repeat. Then we did crunches. Is it scary that I actually looked forward to the ab work?

Feeling a little proud of myself at this point. But then we repeat the cycle. Fuck. It hurts.

Next comes the second circuit. More squats and arm work. Crap. Then cardio, running with our legs attempting to kick our butt. Then punches while squatting. About this time I started feeling the distinct urge to run to the bathroom and vomit. Unfortunately I didn't have the energy to run, so I sauntered to the bathroom and fell in a heap in front of the porcelain god. Nausea settled into the pit of my stomach, I began to salivate. My ears closed so that it sounded like I was in a barrel. I began to see stars. One or two at first, then a pattern of them began to emerge like a black and purple kaleidoscope. I've never fainted before, but I figured I was about to.

I did not feel good. If someone had given me the choice just then, I'm pretty sure I would have chosen to die. But eventually I found enough strength to lift myself off the floor and plant my butt on top of the toilet lid so I could lean over and put my head down like I see people doing on the television. Guess it helped because eventually I shuffled my way over to the bed, where I started feeling slightly better... until I got cold.

This isn't my idea of fun.

However...

After a while I started feeling normal again (as normal as I ever feel) and I decided to get back on the horse and finish the damn workout. I was halfway through before I almost fainted. And you know what? I made it. I took it a little easier (not that I was doing any advanced moves before, but there was a lot less pep in my step this time around), but I finished. Go team Kristy!

I was going to give up, but I realized that I always quit. Not only that, but only yesterday I was watching 400 lb people work their asses off (literally) and it finally hit me that if they can do it at 400 lbs, I can do it at 173 (there you go Ian, I've put my weight out there, too... and as a girl it's 10x more horrifying to me, at least on paper!). I'm not going to quit this time. It may take me a while to be able to go full throttle on this workout, but I'm going to keep at it. I'm tired of being fat. I'm lucky enough that my weight is pretty evenly distributed, so people claim that I don't look fat... but I am, and I know it because I know what normal weight Kristy looks like. Every day I look in the mirror and wonder who this person is staring back at me, because she doesn't look like me. I want my life back. And I'm going to get it in 20 minute increments.

So there.

As I relaxed in the tub afterward (a well deserved rest) I realized that South of Broad may be one of the most enjoyable books I've ever read. I am loving this book! Pat Conroy isn't afraid to talk about anything, and I love that about him. I looooooooooooooooove the witty reparte between his characters. Sometimes I cringe, but that's okay, I've read all of his previous novels so I know to expect a cringe every now and again, but it's part of his charm... and he is oh so very charming. I wish I were half the storyteller he is. Someday I will visit South Carolina solely based on the evocative imagery he created in my mind. It sounds like heaven, even when the story is as twisted as The Prince of Tides was, South Carolina comes out smelling like a rose. (and FYI, so did I)

Oh, and he used a phrase that made me giggle... he said "my train of ideas got derailed." Just like mine always do...