164 - In which we learn that Kristy has a nasty side

I hesitate to post this, because it's ugly, but it's my blog, and sometimes that's just they way things are. I have an ugly side. There. Glad that's off my chest. It's time to get competitive here -- I'm out for Best Rant 2010!

There is only one person in the whole world that I actually loathe. I find many, many people annoying, but I abhor only one. He is one of my ex-boyfriends, and he is the one decision I would gladly take back if I could. He is the only ex-boyfriend I feel this way about -- believe it or not, but I'm actually friendly with most of my exes, and I'm proud of that.

This dick used to talk about moving to Austin, or Denver, or a similar beatnik community where you can wear sandals and bermuda shorts all the time, and that silly little slicked back ponytail he's taken to wearing (which makes him look like an ugly girl or a very gay man) would fit right in. Whenever he said talked about moving, it made me nervous because, at the time, I didn't want him to go. Now that I want him out of my fucking hair, he seems to have planted roots.

Most of the time I can easily forget that he exists. Those are blissful times. This week, however, it's like he's being rubbed in my face, and I don't like it. It brings the raw, visceral hatred I feel toward him to the surface, like ripping open an old wound and taking a pressure washer full of alcohol to it.

Today a friend was telling me about the three kittens she just adopted (egads! three!). You wouldn't think this would have anything to do with my ex, but just you wait 'enry 'iggins... just you wait... She said she had a funny story to tell me about how she got the kittens. Long story short, the kittens were his parent's cat's kittens. Can you imagine how thrilled I was? Stories about the ex... Yip. Ee. So glad she shared that little nugget. I know it seems harsh, but I get little reminders like that all the time. And it's because just yesterday I'd gotten another one that this one grated on me so.

Another friend of mine is dating his best friend, so I pretty much distanced myself from her for my own sanity. The last thing I need is to show up at her house and run into them (okay, I loathe her too... the wife, not my friend, lol). I like my friend so I don't see any reason to completely excise her from my life, but at this point we hardly see each other because it's just too hard to juggle things. We both made our choices, I respect hers, hopefully she respects mine. Anyhoo, this week she changed her Facebook profile picture to a photo from his wedding where he's standing next to his sister, and she and her boyfriend are making faces behind them. Except for the ex it's a cute picture, but it's just one more reminder.

How can I stop hating him? He did horrible things to my self esteem. I'm mad at myself because I let him, but I truly didn't know just how badly he treated me until I saw how he treated that schizophrenic piece of trash he cheated on me with, and eventually married. I'm still rebuilding myself and it's been over three years. I can forgive him the cheating, it's the rest that I can't forgive. I still hear phrases like "sometimes I dread seeing you." Or "sometimes I don't want to invite you to things, I want to do them on my own." You know why? Because he was cheating on me and she was at those things he wanted to do on his own... and the dread was his fucking guilt... but he laid it on me. Mind you I also encouraged him to do other things and he chose not to, but somehow it's my fault. And in typical Kristy-fashion, the negativity stuck, and I took it to heart. If he lost his voice forever he'd be doing the world a real favor. This is where I've come from, and it's why I'm so proud of myself for listening to my gut about party guy, for not ignoring the warning signs, and for letting go of something toxic instead of hanging on.

People tell me to forgive him. I can't. And because of him I really don't feel like everyone deserves forgiveness. It's not like me to feel that way, but I do feel that way. I want to find a way out of it but I don't know that there is one. The best I can hope for is to find a way to let go of the anger, to get to a point where I could care less so that I don't have days like this where I want to scream.

And just because it's cathartic, here's a version of the 'fuck you' letter I wrote but never gave to him, maybe sharing it will help me, and it's pretty entertaining. As you can tell by the name, it's rife with expletives... but it felt good to write it... feels good to read it again, too (oh, her name isn't Felicia, I changed it along with a couple of minor details... mostly it's verbatim):

Fuck you for implying in your blog that I was lying when I called you a cheater. Late in our relationship you let it slip that Felicia text messaged you as far back as your first business trip to California. Until then I never even knew she had your number.

Fuck you for the basketball game when you failed to mention that she was there and later brought that up as one of the times you didn't actually want me around. I can add and I did the math. Now I know that at least half, if not all, of our 'relationship' was a lie.

Fuck you for the lunch you had together that you neglected to tell me about. And fuck you especially for the Tuesday we usually had dinner together, but you said you needed to practice your drums because your stupid band was trying to record a new song (by the way, you suck, your guitar player is the only one with any talent). That was two days after we almost broke up, but had that long discussion that ended with you and I trying to make it work. I see how incredibly hard you tried. I'm sure there are several more instances that you lied to me and snuck around behind my back but you try to make it sound as if it 'just happened...' no - you fostered it, you made it happen, you were an active participant in it, and because you kept it a secret, it was not 'innocent'. You only strung me along until you had your next relationship set up and then you hit the ground running. I was stupid to have had so much faith in you.



Fuck you for always making me feel as if you were ashamed of me. At first I thought it was because we met so soon after your previous relationship ended. And by the way, fuck you for not telling people that it had. I'm sure they thought highly of me because of it, I'm surprised they didn't try to tattoo an “A” on my forehead... The irony is that you were ashamed of a relationship that started out clean, you even said it yourself - “we aren't doing anything wrong,” that's what you told me when I waffled that first night. And you're inexplicably proud of the one that started with lies, you parade her around like she's a prize horse (and I agree that she looks like a horse). But then the rules don't apply to you, do they?


Fuck you for belittling my values and things that were important to me. Locking the doors is not stupid. My cat suffered an additional two months because of the guilt you piled on me, and only when you experienced it for yourself did you believe how awful it was. It was like you had to give me a fucking blessing to put him down you high and mighty prick. It was hard enough, a good man would have been there to comfort me, not tear me down.


Fuck you for the camping trip. The whole time we were there I felt like you didn't want me around. Like I was a pest that annoyed you. I had fun with everyone else but you, even strangers paid more attention to me than you did.


Fuck you for turning your lack of friends into my problem, as if me being around was preventing you from meeting people. On the contrary I introduced you to everyone who was ever important to me. I had to fight to get an introduction to your friends. I never stopped you from doing what you wanted, in fact I gave you everything you asked for, but you always saw me as a barrier. I'm not the problem, you are your own problem.


Fuck you for telling me that for several weeks you had been dreading to see me. Once again you made it about me. It was your guilt eating away at you and I didn't deserve to EVER hear that. I hate you for that most of all.


Fuck you for telling me that being around me with people you knew when you were engaged only reminded you that you failed. That's your own problem. I didn't deserve to hear that either. By the way -- you failed again. And you will always fail.

Fuck you for not calling to check on me the entire time I was at my uncle's funeral.


Fuck you for saying you wanted to buy a cruiser so I'd be more comfortable and then not doing it. For not even buying a more comfortable goddamn seat. I see you bought one for her fat ass, and it's already sunken in.


Fuck you for the lake house.


Fuck you for making my birthday a sad occasion instead of a happy one. First by avoiding meeting my parents, who went out of their comfort zone to meet you in the most laid back setting I could think of (a bar). Then by getting me a gift certificate for something I never even hinted at wanting, that YOU actually talked about wanting - but mostly for not taking the time to write my fucking name on the envelope you unceremoniously thrust at me before you walked away. And finally by inviting me to a party you didn't want me to go to, then going without me after I expressed an interest. It was my fucking birthday asshole. I should have dumped you then. Your life is all about you and what you want with no compromise, you're the most selfish person I've ever known.


Fuck you for taking me on a date the night we broke up, for letting me look incredibly stupid by dressing up and telling you I wanted it to be a special night. When we had to come back to my house to get directions you could have had the decency to dump me then - and P.S. When someone asks "is this about Felicia?" the correct answer is not to jump like a nervous cat and say "I haven't touched anyone!" It is yes or no. "I haven't touched anyone" is merely the long way of saying yes.

And don't ever kiss anyone on the top of the head before you walk out the door you condescending prick. If I wasn't in shock at the time, I would have punched you.


Fuck you for putting your band first on your friends list. Your friends should be first on your friends list. Maybe that's why you felt you didn't have any.


Fuck you for letting Felicia disrespect me by leaving you flirty comments all the time. And fuck you for disrespecting me too. I trusted you so I didn't say anything. Fuck her for posting a link to pictures that prove you were sneaking around. And fuck you because I'm pretty certain that you took a picture of her that by instinct I hated so much. She must have giggled insanely when she made it her profile picture because she was rubbing it in my face. What a bitch. And you're an asshole.


Fuck you for creating this situation in the first place. If you would have handled it like a man maybe we would all be friends. You weren't confused, you were a coward. "I didn't know what else to do"??? Seriously? Then you're stupid. Did you even spend a day by yourself before you called her or did you leave my house and go straight to hers? I know you invited her to dinner the next night. You made me feel like I didn't matter at all. You're an asshole! Plain and simple, I should have believed you when you told me. From now on I will never doubt anyone who tells me they're an asshole.


And fuck me for having let you get away with all of it when I should have told you to fuck off long before. I'll never make another mistake like you as long as I live.