307 - The Perils of Gwendolyn

...has nothing to do with the contents of the post...

Today I saw the orthodontist and got a new tray. I'm on tray #6. I am now 17 weeks into this process. I think I have another 20 months to go. Oh joy. To the world.

Whose stupid idea was this again???

Let me tell you a little story about tray #5... (are you eating? don't eat)

I was in Charleston. My aunt didn't want to go out for dinner. The hotel had a happy hour with snacky type foods (broccoli, cauliflower, ranch dressing, chips and salsa, mini corndogs) and she was allllllll about the free snacky food. I sort of pooh-pooh'd the idea, but as it turns out... they had FREE DRINKS. I'm in! Let's go!

I asked for a mojito. The bartender asked what went in it. Bad sign. I told her. Turns out she thought I asked for a "Monkey Toe." Interesting. Turns out they didn't have mint, so I asked for a Vodka 7 and ended up with a Dirty Shirley... vodka, sprite and maraschino cherry juice. Yum. Then I took my braces out so I could eat. I wrapped them up and put them in a napkin, and I put them on the table. Normally I put them in my purse. At this point I'm pretty sure you know where this is going... but I'm going to continue on as if you don't.

Finished my DS and went back for another. The bartender gives me TWO because happy hour was almost over. SCORE! Kristy has a new favorite bartender. I asked if I can take them up to my room. She says I can do whatever I want to with 'em -- but I can't take the glasses home. Deal. Time to party with the twins.

We go back to the room... me, my aunt and my two dirty dates for the night (was really missing Bob... a lot...). I shut the door and set my drinks down... and then I realized... someone wasn't at the party.

FUCK! I'm naked! Where are my braces? (sorry Ms. A... it was the most appropriate expletive for the situation)

I tore ass down the stairs and across the lobby... only to find... people already sitting at our old table...and  my braces were not involved in their conversation...

I explained my situation to the bartender. She told me to talk to the guy in the kitchen, who then led me to... the industrial sized trashcan... that I dug through... to retrieve... my braces... past cold mini corndogs... globs of ketchup covered napkins... partially masticated limes... grease encrusted ice cubes... you get the (disgusting) picture. I found the bottom tray first, and that gave me the fortitude to keep going until I found the top tray. But just barely. It was looking pretty grim. (and yes, they had been wrapped in a napkin, but as the empty drinks were tossed into the garbage can, that napkin turned to mush and disintegrated... so...)

They had some sanitizer at the sink so I ran my braces under that for a few seconds. Then I went back to the room and soaped them up. Twice. Then I brushed them. Twice. Then as I sipped my second Dirty Shirley, I soaked them in the third one. (I earned praise from my ortho for that one) If I had remembered the mini bottle of mouthwash in the bathroom I would have rinsed them with it for good measure... but alas... By the time I finished my drinks I felt much, much better about the situation... though I still missed Bob.

A lot.

All in all I got lucky. I wouldn't be home for three more days... if I hadn't found them my teeth would have begun to shift and my whole treatment plan might have had to be altered since they make all the trays up front. Not to mention that my orthodontist only comes to the office near me on Tuesdays. Or that it would have cost me a lot of money to replace those trays and/or alter the treatment plan... So... icky as it was (and it really was a new low for me), I was elated to have found them. And thankful they hadn't dumped the trashcan into a dumpster...

My orthodontist was highly amused by this story. Have I told you he's sadistic? Funny... I figured he'd say he's heard the trashcan story a thousand times... guess I'm the only moron out there who's done it. Or the only one willing to talk about it. I understand... it's a painful memory... some people probably block the experience out altogether...

So today I got tray #6. And it is really working my upper teeth. My canines specifically, although I feel it all the way across. It hurts now... It's gonna feel GREAT tomorrow. I'm starting to get used to the pain. Thankfully I know this drill (bad choice of words)... the pain usually only lasts for a day before it subsides. And in the meantime, Motrin makes the world go 'round.

On another tooth related note... I'm going to have my wisdom teeth taken out soon. Not a happy camper. It's certainly not by choice. I was hoping to die with them still in my head. But I've resigned myself to the situation and I'm just waiting on the insurance company to do their pre-determination so that the oral surgeon's office can give me a cost estimate. I know my dental insurance covers 75% of the extraction, but I'm not sure about anesthesia, or the bone graft. Apparently I have cysts next to my two lower teeth, and my dental insurance doesn't cover the cost of removing them. They also don't contract with my health insurance. So I get to pay that grand out of my own (shallow) pocket... And speaking of pockets, that's where the bone graft comes in, since the holes will be so big (I'm feeling queasy now), they will dump the bone graft powder in there to fill the space, and it will help my jaw heal faster and prevent dry socket. So... that's good. Whee.

On the upside... THIS YEAR... I should be able to deduct some frickin' medical expenses! In years past I never met the magical number, but THIS YEAR... oh this year... I think I will... And if I don't... I'm gonna cry.

I feel left out... one of my neighbor's is reroofing their house... the other neighbor is on a tree trimming rampage... I um... pulled a few dead plants out of the garden on Sunday... And someday I'll get to that fence... but... it'll probably fall down first... :)

And I'm excited!!! My friends Brian and Laura are coming to see me for Thanksgiving. It's NOT about going to Austin to look around... it's ME they're coming to see. Me! Me! Me! I heart them. I can't wait!

P.S. This is my new favorite non-tribe blog... Check out the Barn... brand new baby moo cow! So cuuuuuuuute!!! I want one.  (for you Brian: http://chickensintheroad.com/)


  1. P.P.S. My ortho's favorite question, as I put the new trays in, is "Feeling a little pressure?" He likes to cause me pain. And yes. I feel pressure... more than a little.

  2. What dentist or ortho doesn't like inflicting pain on people??? Unless it is just a check-up, they are in your mouth causing pain.

    And don't get me started on that damn dentist office smell!! :-)

  3. I can sooo relate to your pains at the dentist...I went to mine today! And guess what WE talked about...Dental Implants!! Yay!!! As you can see, my problem is not crooked teeth, but LOOSE teeth. Take care of them pearly whites, baby! You are doing a good thing! You will be glad when it is over.

  4. I always told my kids that a napkin and your retainers should NEVER touch. If they do, it's a 50-50 chance that you'll never see them again... Alas, they didn't listen...