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...aaaaaaaaaand it's 45 degrees today. Sigh. Every day a new extreme. I'm tired of the warm/cold/warm/cold doe-si-doe. I just wish it to stick to a 10 degree variance rather than a 20-30 degree variance. That's not asking for much... is it?

This afternoon I was walking down the hall and my boss was behind me. He was walking, using his umbrella to punctuate his steps. It echoed through the empty hallway and reverberated around me (not a lot of people at work this week). It was a slightly menacing sound that, because I think as if my life were a horror movie anyway, reminded me of a scary story my grandpa used to tell us grandkids, about a black speck in a pail of milk. I don't know why it was so terrifying, but it was. I don't recall it all, but the basic premise was that there was... a black speck in a pail of milk, and somehow it came to life one night and began to come after a little boy as he was snuggled up in his bed. It began by telling him it was on the first step, and it was coming for him... then it was on the second step, and it was coming for him... it was on the third step, and it was... well, you get the idea... there were a lot of steps. I think it had a lot to do with the voice my grandpa used as he told it; a sort of raspy growly voice. And he would sort of walk his hands as we sat on his lap being regaled by this horrific masterpiece. I wish I could remember the point of the story though... but once he'd gotten the tension sufficiently built up and we were scared out of our wits, he would jump a little and then tickle us. Good times.

Today I bought (or ordered rather) Master Your Metabolism (with a few more words to complete the entire title but my pea brain can't remember them all and no that's not the rest of the title quit being silly) by Jillian Michaels. I know -- long, confusing title. I have to admit that when I started browsing (you can read the first 3 chapters on B&N's website), I wasn't expecting to be impressed. I've only recently begun watching The Biggest Loser and haven't entirely jumped on the Jillian bandwagon just yet. Oh -- first off a little housekeeping -- I used a gift card, so I am sticking to my resolution because I didn't actually spend any money, and it's part of my push for good health in 2010. Now that I have absolved myself of the guilt associated with this purchase... It looks really interesting, different than just a 'diet' book, because she's talking about hormones and metabolism. I know I've screwed mine up royally, I just don't know how to get it back on track. I have tried to eat better (more vegetables, less soda, more water, vitamins, 1200 calories or less, etc.), and I've tried exercising regularly... I've done all I know to do and can't seem to lose more than 10 lbs, which eventually comes back. I'll admit I still had room for improvement, even at my best, but still... 360 calories a day from soda should start to make a real difference at some point, especially when you take another 200-300 from exercise three times a week... should have been losing about a pound a week.

It's not going to be easy. I'm very attached to food, it's a social activity and a tasty treat all rolled into one. And unfortunately I like all the wrong kinds of food. I do like vegetables, and most times if I'm at home that's what I eat... but if I go out to eat, I'm almost always going to go for the creamy goodness of fetuccini alfredo, or the warm embrace of a nice, juicy grilled steak... or fries... or a baked potato... hell -- any sort of potato will do. At home, if I want comfort food I reach for onion dip and potato chips, sometimes carrots and broccoli instead of chips, and even though the sour cream is reduced fat, it's probably still not good for me. Sometimes I think the 'reduced' and 'free' products are worse, but I can't stick with a decision on that. And don't even get me started on ranch dressing. Or cheese. I love carbs, and dairy, and red meat, and sugar, and fizzy drinks. There's not a lot of hope for me because, like the time when I almost traded my 8 in for a 3, I'm going to feel like I'm depriving myself of something instead of feeling as if I'm doing something right.

I'm going to have to get over that and learn how to be disciplined once again. I used to be able to do it but it's gotten harder as I've gotten older and developed a 'ha! you can't tell me what to do!' attitude... even when it's the little angel on my shoulder talking... I'm much more attuned to the imp. But I know that I'm not happy with my body, not just the way it looks, but the way it feels. I'm tired all the time, I feel weak (not like 'I suddenly feel weak' but I don't feel strong like I did when I had more muscle tone), my digestive tract is all kinds of fucked up, my head is foggy, and... if my head weren't so foggy I'd remember that other thing I was about to say but... c'est la vie, it's gone. I want to feel more energetic and alert, and I want to lose weight. For me.

So this year is going to be all about discipline and cleaning house (literally and figuratively), because ultimately I think it's what I need in my life right now. I've been coasting, and it's time I started becoming more active all the way around... in my community... in my exercise routine... in my financial life... in my love life... and in my own life in general.

Here! Here! (just felt like that was appropriate)