145B - Crapped upon

Well Bendigo... funny you should ask at just that very moment... I just ended things. I'm not sure I did it gracefully, but it's done. (Imogene Heap's 'Aha!' is perfect for this moment... I love her music... song actually starts at about 2:55, there's a funny speech at the beginning though... or it's on iTunes)

It's not my favorite part, The End. I much prefer The Beginning... it's always so promising. A new person is a clean slate, they are flawless and virgin (metaphorically speaking). It's unfortunate that we have to actually get to know people, and upwards of 99% of them ruin our perfect little fantasy. It's even worse when they barf out secrets that should have remained secrets and seem completely taken by surprise when you to recoil from the stench.

I guess there's something to that whole mystery thing after all... I should take a lesson from this and remember to leave some things to the imagination... there's no need to expose our warts so early on. The bad part is... what I saw as a wart, he merely regarded as a humorous anecdote...

It's impossible to build something when two people's viewpoints are so completely divergent.

Anyhoo, when he asked me if we were on for Tuesday, I saw my opportunity and segued into how I've been thinking about his revelation the other night, and how much it bothered me that it was his idea to leave the scene of the accident. He tried to defend his actions by asking... did I expect him to let his friend go to jail?...

How do I answer that? I mean... our first instinct is, of course, to have our friends back, but right is right and wrong is wrong... if you drive when you're drunk, sometimes you have to face the damn consequences... Then he argued that the guy told them he didn't want to talk to them, he told them to get out of his face. Yeah... well... he'd just been in a car accident and it was probably pretty obvious that the driver was drunk... I don't think he meant that literally... I think he meant... well... get out of my face... not 'go on, get out of here you two crazy kids -- and be more careful next time' as he winked and playfully frogged their biceps. And party guy knows this. That's why his first thought when he saw the cop behind them (as they pulled onto a side street because their bumper was dragging...) was 'oh shit, we got caught'.

Don't toy with me. I'm smarter than that.

I hate myself for it, but there was a part of me that really wanted to be able to forgive them (his actions). There were aspects of him that I really liked... first and foremost that he was interested in me, lol. Another that he was reliable, he always called when he said he would. And he sounded like a good dad. The problem is... as I'm attempting to come up with positives, I hadn't known him long enough to accumulate enough of them to offset the negative weight of this story he told me.

He said I must have strong morals... but it wasn't meant as a compliment. I guess I do... they're not as malleable as they used to be. My life is normally rife with shades of grey (it's actually a bit maddening sometimes), but when I'm auditioning boyfriends the dividing lines are a little bit more defined. If we were just friends I could overlook almost anything... In a boyfriend I need someone who is on the same wavelength as I am when it comes to the weighty issues of right and wrong.

We don't like to say it, but if we're honest, a date is an audition for a relationship, and a relationship is an audition for marriage, and a marriage is meant to last forever. So I may not be directly thinking of marriage, but I am indirectly thinking of it. If I'm not, then why bother? I wouldn't date, I'd get a fuck buddy.

So I feel like crap again. I don't like to call people out. I don't like to injure their pride. I don't like to hurt their feelings. But still... I'm relieved that it's done, and I stuck to my guns. It's new for me. And I know it was right, because I know he still doesn't recognize what he did was wrong. It's human nature to get defensive, I hope once that wears off maybe he'll feel some remorse... but I doubt it. I'm sure that as I write this blog, he's on his way to a friend's house to drink beer and talk about what a morally superior bitch I am. And that's fine. He's entitled. I have to do what's right for me.

Man this got a lot longer than I intended...

One more thing, one last rant: Why are all my damn comments going to the spam folder all of a sudden??? If hadn't checked it I would have missed all of the comments I received today -- which, by the way -- has been a banner day for comments!

Mmmm... already feeling better -- there's NO way you can hear Andy Williams singing 'It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year' and remain in a dreary mood... it's like a big musical hug. Thank you Andy Williams... thank you...